the life and times of fairyanne

I can't wait for all my friends to turn 23, so then I can play Blink 182 and yell "NOBODY LIKES YOU WHEN YOU'RE 23!" at their birthday

I can't believe how close I am to being done with applying, and how far away the end of it feels. I also can't believe how scared of graduating I was at the beginning of this year. Now I just want to get it over with. I'm ready.

Yesterday I saw M83 at the Paramount. It was awesome. And, surprisingly emotional. They are a band I've always looked up to for being so foreign and human; they've really carried me through this year. I want to end undergrad on a positive note, but this quarter has been incredibly demanding. Every day I feel like I'm on the edge of drowning, like I'm going to burst at any moment. Maybe I just need to burst. The universe was made out of star dust - can a pharmacist be made of miscellaneous Arianne parts? 

It's moments like these where I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for the people that truly care about me. My family, my friends. Thank you all so much. Tim - I would be lost without him. Yesterday my dad called me. He knows how hard it's been and he told me, I bet you're glad you have Tim right now. I'm so glad. I love him. 

UNHHH I'm really sick. My voice is pretty fucked. Somehow my voice makes me sound more slutty... although Tim keeps telling me I also sound like Evan's grandma, so by transitive property (pretty sure the transitive property is used incorrectly like 80% of the time in colloquial conversation- this time being one of them) EVAN'S GRANDMA IS A SLUT. No one's here to high-five me. I'm sad now.

So I'm preparing to write my personal statement for pharmacy school and I've decided that the best approach is to re-read my entire livejournal. The fact that this thing's like eight years old is remarkable to me, but what's even more impressive is how incredibly comprehensive it is. One day I spill my guts out about my brother's drug problem and another day I reveal my excitement for calling people wieners. It's kind of a gold mine. I like that the first word of the first entry is "testes." 

Today I was surprised by an unusual account of revisitation. Still reflecting on it. I guess it's a sign that I should delegate myself this task right now. A costco-sized bag of pirate booty and a beer sounds fitting... let's do this thing.

Update #1: on entry #4. I've just decided that I'm going to say "that would RULE!" again.

God, I'm totally having one of those days where I think about everything there is to think about. My mind is flooding. It's like someone keeps pouring and pouring even after I say "when." When. WHEN. STOP. I thought about where I might end up living for the rest of my life. I thought about how old I'll be when I graduate from pharmacy school (if that's really what I want to be, which begs a seperate question.) I thought about if I'll still be able to play the piano when I'm in my 60s. And then I thought about my first heartbreak--yeah, my first experience with being betrayed by someone I trusted and sincerely loved; the first time I felt pure vulnerability. I thought about how vividly I still remember my aunt's death--I mean seriously, no matter how many years have passed since then, I can still recall the way they did her hair for the funeral. I even remember what my cousins were wearing that day. It's crazy how much a memory can make you relive the same emotions. I'm nearing 22, I've lived through this much - and yet I know nothing. I thought about my first day of college. The day I met my true friends--and how they're going to be the ones making toasts at my wedding. Future, present, past. Two constants and one fleeting, elusive in-between. But what is there that's sandwiched between the future and the past? A split second. Nothing, really. Nothing to think about in the present, really. Everything we choose to worry about is either before or after "now." It's a novel thought.

Do you ever wonder why your brain picks certain days to be so goddamn reflective? Certain days to turn itself on, certain days to turn itself off. Certain days to make you cry, certain days to make your insides ache. 

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to

f r e e z e. 

Senior year of college is definitely not anything like senior year of high school. I'm more stressed than I've ever been, more worried than I've ever been... so many things. I don't think there have ever been so many things in my life. Graduation, supplemental applications, PharmCAS applications, assistant's licenses, letters of rec, gap year plans, school, pre requisites, PCAT, work, volunteering, clubs, boyfriend, family, friends, struggling to keep in touch with the people that matter to me the most. Time is everything. This journey has been so emotionally taxing, it's hard for me to accept that the next four years are going to be harder still.

I'm proud of myself and disappointed in myself for a lot of reasons. There are many things I wish I could have done differently, but I know for certain that there has never been a moment where I haven't pushed myself. Sometimes I wish that things would just come easy to me, but it's slowly becoming clear to me that this struggle makes me real.

It blows my mind that the one goal I've been working towards for the past four years is the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with. I want it so bad.

What a memorable year. I already got my wish, so what's my New Year's resolution? Play more piano.

here goes nothing

I'm officially nominating Hurry Up, We're Dreaming as album of the year. Up against The Year of Hibernation, The Throne, and maybe Helplessness Blues. 


Seriously. So good. Airy, dreamy, it almost breathes. This album makes me feel totally nostalgic, but not in the way that it makes me recall specific events - more like a recollection of particular feelings. Primitive... like the sensation of warmth, or wanting. Snapshots, snippets, but never a whole picture.

I think I need to start writing here more. It makes me feel like I have my life all sorted out. I like that lie...

For some reason I get really annoyed with the phrase, "oh so _______."


Seriously.

I like things.

 six days at the bottom of the ocean.

9am-6pm all day errday. No breaks - come home and couch it. Study... try and make time for a life. I don't know what I'm feeling... how do I describe what I am feeling. Next week's gonna be so much better.